Facades and Whitewashed Tombs

"The noonday devil of the christian life is the temptation to lose the inner self while preserving the shell of edifying behavior. Suddenly, I discover that I am ministering to AIDS victims to enhance my resume. I find I renounced ice cream for Lent to lose five excess pounds. I drop hints about the absolute priority of meditation and contemplation to create the impression that I am a man of prayer. At some unremembered moment I have lost the connection between internal purity of heart and external works of piety. In the most humiliating sense of the word, I have become a legalist. I have fallen victim to what T. S. Eliot calls the greatest sin: to do the right thing for the wrong reason."

-The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, pg. 135

"He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone in our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!" 

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

"It may be that salvation consists not in the canceling of these eternal moments [of sin] but in the perfected humility that bears the shame forever, rejoicing in the occasion which is furnished to God's compassion and glad that it should be common knowledge to the universe. Perhaps in that eternal moment St. Peter - he will forgive me if I am wrong - forever denies his Master. If so, it would indeed be true that the joys of heaven are for most of us, in our present condition, an acquired taste - and certain ways of life may render the taste impossible of acquisition. Perhaps the lost are those who dare not go to such a public place."

- C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I think one of the most valuable virtues a christian (especially a leader) can possess is Humility. And yet I think it is one of the qualities I see the least among believers, myself included. All three of these quotes perfectly outline a common problem seen in most christian circles; this lack of humility that is so prevalent in our lives. 

Growing up in a christian high school, spirituality was just another means of showing your value; a sort-of popularity capital. When I was chosen to pray aloud in class, I would try to inject as many wise-isms or try to stick as many scripture quotes in there as I could. Afterwards, my pulse would be pounding as I quickly ran through everything I had said, observed peoples (often non-existent) reactions, and then assessed how much that prayer had bumped up my being perceived as 'spiritual'. It was exhausting! And it took me a long time to eventually realize that I was solely thinking about the next thing to say during prayer, not God. 

How far off I am from the tax collector Jesus talks about in Luke 18:13, praying: "God, have mercy on me, the sinner..."

Such behavior wasn't only relegated to prayer. I was also the guy that never swore, never drank at the parties, and had never done anything shameful with a girl. I would tell a friend (who was higher up on this perceived spiritual pecking order) about something shameful another friend had done [GOSSIP], all under the veil of asking that spiritual friend to pray for the shameful one. How craftily sin can sneak in and mess up what is supposed to be used for God!

"The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronizing and spoiling sport, and back-biting; the pleasures of power, of hatred....That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither." (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)  

That being said, there is no way I am exempt from any of the assertions I am putting forth in this post. 

Being a Psych major, I totally understand how often people put on faces and construct a facade to hide what is really going on or how they are really feeling. I hate it. Defense mechanisms such as these rarely do anyone any good. And yet everyday, I wake up and do the exact same thing, I put on a face. It can be so difficult to not do, especially when it seems like the other christians around you seem to be doing so great. 

I shudder to think what most of my friends would say to me if they could see all the things I think on a daily basis. One minute I am stoked on Christ, till my skateboard hits a pothole and I suddenly wish a brutal death on the lazy Chico road construction crews. Or those cars that cut us off. That guy at the gym who takes 5 minute rests on a bench press and refuses to let you work in. The incoherent, disgruntled, and obviously hungover customer at the bagel shop. (sometimes, all in the SAME day). Or what about the ridiculous expectations I put on my unknowing girlfriend? Or my roommates and friends? 

I especially like that first quote by C.S. Lewis. What if those 'lowest of spiritual lows' is really something that should be talked about more often? What if Heaven rejoices over those suckiest-of-times? What if, by hiding our weaknesses and habitual faults, we are actually doing the Kingdom a great disservice? I still have never heard of or seen someone come to Christ because we followed the Ten Commandments (someone is going to attack this statement and say that I dont think following the TC is important, which is not the case at all). It has not been my abstaining from drinking/swearing/whatever that has made the people around me notice something different. Because at no point are you completely without sin. Some part of you is indwelt with that sin nature as long as you walk this earth. 

But I have heard of people witnessing some of my christian friends at their lowest, when they were making all the bad mistakes, and then see their contrite turnaround and marvel at it (sometimes even accepting Christ on the spot!). There is something to be said about witnessing a close friend go through something rough and maybe make some mistakes, but then see the otherworldly hope and love that come out of it. Maybe we should stop trying to appear righteous to those around us, and instead show them that somehow Christ could love even the shittiest parts of me. 

Pastor Josh Kehler down at Reality Stockton (my beloved church) gave a great sermon on this idea, saying that in the end, "We are all just trophies of His Grace". That phrase is just beautiful to me. This gospel is supposed to be scandalous! How bewildering it is that Christ should die for something as horrible as me! That's what I want people to see. Not this idea that 'Christ saved me once a few years ago when I was really into partying but now I am doing great and an example of a righteous sinless life', because lets face it, that's not true. Christ did secure my salvation, but there is something to be said about the constant redeeming that is taking place day after day. That's the part that blows me away. Who would die for someone who is just going to keep failing you?  Aren't we robbing the Gospel of its beauty when we try to look like we have it all together?

  "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us." - 1 John 1:8-10

So why isn't this happening more often? Day after day we wake up and somehow are convinced that we are gonna get away with looking good. 

Here is another blog post (thanks Karen!) that speaks the truth. On a mental level, we all know other people screw up. But all we see around us is smiling faces during worship, pictures of 'date nights with Jesus', status posts with scriptural quotations, etc.. Of course, none of these are bad, but life isn't always a bowl of peaches. Why is there so little mention of those current shameful acts in our lives? Why are there so few of those 4 am conversations with teary eyes? Wheres the doubting and questioning side of our ministry leaders?

I think we try to hide this side of ourselves for two reasons. One, we don't want other people to see how fucked up we still are, despite X amount of years as a Christ-follower/our position in ministry. Two, I think we are worried that if people see us struggle, it might somehow cause them to struggle. But this just is not the case. The sermons and talks I have remembered the most throughout my life are the ones where the pastor or leader exposed some dark twisted part of themselves. There is something so relieving about hearing this 'great spiritual man' wrestle with the same shit that I do. 

One of the most impacting sermons I ever heard came from Pastor Josh down in Reality Stockton, when he confessed much to his congregation, including using the growing ministry as leverage against God and as a source of pride in comparison with other believers. He finished with the words "Church, if you only knew half of the horrible things I think on a daily basis, you would all flee this building." That statement was so relieving to hear. It turns out I wasn't the only christian struggling with such shittiness.

So here's to spending more time being a sinner with other sinners around me, and less time trying to be a 'saint' in an environment of perceived perfection. Here's to not trying to cover my burdens, but letting others help me bear them. I never want to be seen as a saint, but rather I want people to look at my life and be amazed that He could love something so messed up, and somehow make good come out of such a twisted individual. 

Here's to less time in denial about:

-Being bitter at the failures of the Church,

-Being envious at those who have parents who pay for everything,

-Justifying my faults based on my circumstances,

-How often my motives are constantly impure,
-Jealousy at those whose ministry/spiritual walk seems to be going better than mine,

-Being wrathful at that fellow sister who just blew that round of quelf,

-Constantly writing off my optimistic friends as 'naive',

-Doubting and questioning God multiple times every day,

-Being a selfish boyfriend who puts too high of expectations on his girlfriend,

-How often I am (undeservedly) discontent with God and where my life is at,

-Judging and putting myself above half the people I see on my walk to school,

-Being so damn ungrateful. 

And on and on. So I encourage you to break this cycle. Write stuff down, or even just confess one shitty thing to your roommate or even just an acquaintance. There is this certain holy lightness that one gets from exposing their burdens and allowing them to be shared.

"It is hardly complimentary to God that we should choose him as an alternative to hell. Yet even this he accepts. The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered. And by trouble, or fear of trouble on earth, by crude fear of the eternal flames, God shatters it, unmindful of his glory's diminution. I call this "divine humility," because it's a poor thing to strike our colors to God when the ship is going down under us, a poor thing to come to him as a last resort, to offer up our own when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud, he would hardly have us on such terms. But he is not proud. He stoops to conquer. He would have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to him, and come to him because there is nothing better now to be had." (C.S. Lewis)